I took time on Mother’s Day to reflect on what this day will soon mean to me…..for the rest of my life. And then I cried. I have waited my whole life to become a mother, and now, it is slowly happening as our sweet baby grows inside of me. I spent Mother’s Day this year with my Mom, and we talked about travels we have been on together and laughed at how much I have changed over the years. Later, when I was home, and doing more reflecting, I realized that this is the journey I am starting on with my own child. In 30+ years, I too will be looking back on the moments we shared together and enjoying our memories each Mother’s Day. It made me feel that Mother’s Day will soon be my favorite holiday – a day each year for me to just reflect and remember my favorite days with my son.
I am struggling through this pregnancy. I don’t enjoy it and each day seems to actually get harder. I cry often and am worried I am getting depressed as the challenges increase. I am fearful I am not bonding with the baby enough. I can’t seem to get excited about the nursery or even baby names. I am pretty much hungry constantly from the limited gestational diabetes diet I am on and that only contributes to my crankiness and emotional state. I feel like I have postpartum depression pre-baby.
I am blessed to have found friends and other women who will talk honestly with me and let me know I am not alone. Because I feel like I am. I feel like something is wrong with me for having such negative feelings about being pregnant, when I have wanted this for years. I feel like I am a bad mommy for not having bonded with the baby yet and not feeling more excitement for pregnancy. I feel like its somehow my fault for being sick and have GD and being so miserable every day. I am thankful to the people who comment and message me to let me know I am not alone and its not my fault and I will get better and love this baby with my whole heart as soon as I meet him.
I write this blog to help me handle my feelings and emotions. Sometimes I can write what I can not say to to my husband or my friends. I write so I can look back on this and know I will be stronger from this experience, and that I will love my child even more having gone through such a challenge to meet him. I need to remember that part of becoming a Mom was not easy for us – we had 2+ years of infertility and now a pregnancy that is far from easy, emotionally, mentally or physically.
So for Mother’s Day, I don’t want to be a black cloud, but rather a voice from within the cloud letting others who share my experience know that we are not alone. Becoming a mother is a beautiful thing, but not everyone has a beautiful experience the whole time. Some of us fight for it with every day, every tear, every ache and every new challenge. I am counting on it making motherhood that much more to appreciate.